fangirl says what

It's a thankless job...

...but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.

Entries by tag: no wonder my tummy hurts

As George Carlin said, "I don't have pet peeves... I have major psychotic hatreds."
Accio Brain
squishification
Airport security gives me a headache because people are stupid. And it’s not the TSA that irks me, either – generally speaking, they’re just as fed up with stupid people as I am. I’m also not talking about the people who know and acknowledge their own shortcomings in the air travel realm. I have no problem with Aunt Betty wheeling Grandma through the A terminal searching for a B gate. There are people that work at the airport specifically for that purpose. What I’m talking about is the people that mistakenly assume that if they’ve ever boarded an aircraft, or even just visited an airport, they’re qualified as “expert travelers.”

There is a security lane at Midway International Airport (my secondary address) here in Chicago that’s designated “Expert Travelers Only”. Expert travelers know better than to use it, because it’s clogged with these folks, prattling on loudly about last year’s vacation to Disneyland while hauling two oversized carry-ons and kicking a brand-spankin’-new roll-aboard bag with cruise line luggage tags in front of them because their other hand is maneuvering the stroller. These people have nowhere to be, and therefore assume that no one in the airport on a Monday afternoon has anyplace to be. They’ve inevitably packed full-sized butane candle lighters in their shoulder bags and are wondering out loud if toothpaste is a liquid. Just thinking about them raises my tension level a couple of notches.

I think I’m going to write a book… in the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy’s once funny and now woefully overexposed “…you might be a redneck” quips, I’m going to call this one, “…you’re not an ‘expert traveler.’” Of course, it won’t be funny… it will be painful. But at least it’s a familiar template. For instance:

1. If you are traveling with a child under the age of 15, or any two dependent children regardless of age… you’re not an expert traveler.

2. If a TSA agent has to use the word ‘and’ more than TWICE when reminding you what you’ve forgotten to remove for screening… you’re not an expert traveler.

3. If you do not know without being verbally instructed what can or cannot be carried, worn, or dragged through an airport metal detector… you’re not an expert traveler.

4. If you – yes, you personally – cannot carry what you deem to be “carry-on luggage”… you’re not an expert traveler.

5. If you cannot carry what you deem to be “carry-on luggage” because you have a fresh venti latte in your hand, you should be summarily shot… and you’re not an expert traveler.

6. If you are wearing shoes that you have to sit down to take off, see the above about summary execution and… you’re not an expert traveler.

7. If you do not know how to operate the bag in which your laptop is traveling… you’re not an expert traveler.

I could go on for hours about this. The list is never-ending, and I pick up a few new ones every time I fly. But I don’t have time because eventually I have to get through security at Midway.

While I'm waiting... George Carlin on airport security. Enjoy.


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Bad dog.
Sometimes alcohol is the answer.
squishification
Puppy Mills: Exposed, tonight on Animal Planet


Watch the horribleness. Do not buy dogs from pet stores. Rinse. Repeat.

And that's all the energy I have today. Am currently up to my knees in issues which are forcing themselves to be dealt with, several of which have nothing to do with Dickmouth. Please, feel free to jump in and save me from myself at any time, really.

Cheers.


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And all I want to do is nap... er... dance...
fangirl says what
squishification
1. I love the word 'fuzziest'. I hate the word 'nomenclature'.

2. Got the lease thing squared away. Have new lease, signed over old lease. Getting back my last month's rent is going to give me a headache, I can tell.

3. Working on coordinating the move. Learned this morning that Lora's stuff may be leaving on Saturday, but she's not leaving until Monday. Which means that there will be a wild slumber party with Lora and Bonnie on Sunday, which is about the most wonderful way I can think of to celebrate turning 29.

3 1/2. Speaking of, there is stuff I need, and I am making a list. I need a new couch cover and new throw cushion covers. And new towels. And I need to wash the bedspread.

4. Seeing the X-Files movie tonight with Eric and Andrew Walker, which I can't decide if I'm interested in or not. I am forgoing valuable shopping time, to be sure.

4 1/2. Instead, I will get up early tomorrow morning while they're still sleeping to shop, which will be taxing but necessary. I think that I might actually go to the H&M on State so that I can visit Bed, Bath, and Beyond to see about those towels while I'm out.

5. Speaking of which, the Rainbows arrived, which makes this the official 'Rainbow breaking in' period in which I am cranky and I walk funny.

6. Hello Dave at Taste of Lincoln Saturday night. I can't miss this one. Can't. I may, realistically, never see HD with Lora again.

7. I am hungry. I didn't feel like Trader Joe's Whole Grain Toaster Waffles this morning, and now I wish I'd at least brought some with me.


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